My youngest child is starting kindergarten, so I feel it is time to introduce her to our political stage and its many players. Ha! Of course I would not actually reveal the insane inner workings of our system to my children. They would lose all respect for authority figures if they knew how adults behaved in real life. "But Mom, you told me big people wore underwear! And pants! Why do I have to wear underwear and pants?"
I apologize beforehand for omitting all the funniest jokes. Believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you, to keep such a fun topic G-Rated and respectable. As Anthony Weiner himself told Buzzfeed, "The jokes practically write themselves."
Post by Anthony Weiner.
I have to slap my own hands to stop them from inserting all the obvious dirty puns, but I have faith that I can control myself. I am NOT Anthony Weiner.
What a fabulous segue into our first topic. According to Politico.com, The Weiner Man has accomplished the amazing feat of garnering an 80% disapproval rating. They claim this is a record, but I polled my own children, and far more than 80% of them disapprove of me and my governing style. I guess getting that many people you have never even met to dislike you is challenging, but I am pretty sure I could do it if I entered the political forum. I have been told I am frequently grouchy, which in the political world is far greater a sin than cheating on your spouse with pretty much everybody. I have noticed my parental approval score does improve substantially when I buy my kids cookies, so I would advise Weiner to pick up snickerdoodles for seven million annoyed New Yorkers. (Perhaps he could split the cost 80/20 with Eliot Spitzer. Spitzer's disapproval rating is only 59%, so his bribery share should obviously be smaller.) Let's review how Weiny became so popular.
This man obviously had an edge over his competition from birth, being blessed with the surname of... well, Weiner.This allowed him to utilize catchy slogans such as "Choose Weiner. He's on a roll." I am not making that up. This was his catchphrase when campaigning for SUNY student government. After graduating and entering the real political world, he got to work improving the lives of New Yorkers by sponsoring important bills, such as one designed specifically to provide more visas to foreign fashion models, to encourage them to come to New York. Again, I am not making that up.We probably should have recognized the warning signs.
To further endear himself to a bipartisan audience, he told Congress,"Every single Republican I have ever met in my entire life is a wholly owned subsidiary of the insurance industry." We Republicans obviously took great offence at this ill-conceived statement, as everybody knows we are only partially owned by insurance companies, and actually belong mostly to gun manufacturers and homeschool curriculum designers. What good is insurance when we are holed up in our underground bunkers?
In 2012, he finally gave us the condiments on the hot dog, so to speak. The pickles on his political sausage: The Sexting Scandal. Whereas we had before this point depended on workers in the entertainment industry to provide us with digital proof of indiscretions, at this moment the political world BECAME the entertainent industry. Six lucky recipients received these questionable texts. Not two, not four and a half, but SIX. Long story short, he finally fessed up and resigned, only to come back this year. Only to admit to more "Oopsy!" communications with people to whom he was not married. Probably. Polygamy WOULD be an amusing and unexpected twist on this story, because he is a Democrat, and most of the polygamists I know are Republican. Just kidding. I meant no offense to polygamists. Or anybody else. Can you imagine the field day my opponents would have if I ran for public office? Fortunately for everyone, I do not dare leave my house to mount a campaign.
