Notice: Big Brother Has Sent Your Psychiatric Evaluation to Your Inbox

 

  When I last attempted therapy with a real psychologist, in one of those creepily home-like offices with the Gothic dim lighting, I had a massive panic attack on the way there and decided that henceforth I would just treat myself. It seems to be going well. I have been satisfied with my competence and reasonable pay rates, and I no longer have the feeling that pictures of my doctor's family are following me with their eyes from his Gothic desk.

   Although I sometimes miss the experience of being treated by Grandpa Sigmund Munster in his cobwebbed parlor, I have found a more accurate and less costly means of self-evaluation: the page suggestions and ads sent to me online. I have noticed that they function as a sort of Rorschach ink-blot test, taking random and seemingly meaningless figures (i.e. my facebook posts and e-mails) and gleaning personal insight from them. You should try it. You do not really know what is in your own mind until you see ads for it in your inbox.



   For a long time, I did not realize that facebook took the keywords from my posts and targeted ads to me. I thought they sent Utah car dealership notices to everyone. (I just thought we had really good vehicle sales businesses here. My buying experiences have always been pleasant.) Once I finally caught on, in mere years than it took the rest of you to figure it out, I was frankly insulted. Either Big Brother Online does not know me as well as I had hoped, or I am a total dweeb. Realizing that anyone who uses the term "dweeb" is a total dweeb, I would guess it is the latter.

   Why would anyone suggest I subscribe to "3 Weeks to Get Bikini Body Ready"? Do I seem insecure? Worse, does this Times type font make me look fat?

   I realize I have an online shopping habit, but does it warrant constant credit card offers, one with the subtitle "It doesn't take a Rocket Scientist"? So now I am not only a retail therapy addict, but a stupid one? Okay, that may be my insecurity talking again. I am a little sensitive about not completing Calculus.

   I constantly receive ads for sites offering to help me meet Mormon men. As I am already married to one Mormon man, I suppose they are suggesting I am too much woman to be handled by a lone male. The only solution is obviously polygamy. I'm so high-maintenance I justify breaking the century-old ban on this practice.

    I get political suggestions for every party under the sun. Am I indecisive? Gullible? Uninformed? Do I ask too many questions? (Okay, no ads have suggested that is the case, but it is something I myself have noticed about this post.)

   Why would TIME magazine online send me a guide to keeping my writing "short and sweet"? Wait... better save that one. It could come in handy if I ever meet anyone who rambles on aimlessly in nonsensical blog posts about nothing.