Why We Religious Republicans REALLY Wear Onion Hats to Bed

Although I suffer from insomnia, like every other anxiety-ridden life form, I prefer to conquer it the natural way. Nothing soothes the jacked-up psyche so well as a nice bubble bath. By "bubble bath," I mean "prescription sleeping medication."

   Truthfully, I rarely indulge in it. With my addictive personality, I would probably become a raging addict after using it for more than two nights in a row, and start taking my bubble baths in tubs full of pills. I would get all sorts of crazy, the paramedics would come, the neighbors would hear the hubbub on their police scanners, and my pristine reputation would be out the door. Just like myself, into the waiting ambulance. And, we don't want to go through all of THAT. Again.

   If other lower life forms have no need for pharmaceutical sedatives, I can likewise survive sans drug therapy. You don't see owls pecking at their tranquilizers in a desperate attempt to sleep through the night. I don't think owls exactly peck, but if they do, it is surely only to gulp down some warm milk. And, they are obviously the most pitifully exhausted creatures of all. "Nocturnal" is just a layman's term for "severe insomniac." They go so mad for need of rest that they start chasing, and even eating, rodents.


   This heart-wrenching image is the reason I was so relieved to hear of a new invention targeted at "nocturnal animals," or as I put it, "tired people." I thought we could all finally rest in peace. Maybe that was a poor choice of words, especially considering its ominous appearance...

Post by Fox News.

 

    So, the idea seemed brilliant, but imagine my horror when I recognized this device, and worse, read that someone ELSE had also done so. I was shocked to notice in the comment section that a sharp-eyed reader had noticed this apparel's true purpose. "Looks like what all Republicans and religious people wear," says an apparent political scientist spy extraordinaire named Robert. At least, he CLAIMS this name.

   Now that he has spilled the beans, I feel the best option is for me to make a full confession, and confirm what you have all likely suspected...

   This is indeed what all of us religious Republicans wear. It bestows upon us powers of naturally bouffant hair, and the enviable ability to look fabulous in a pantsuit. HOW did Robert know? Has he witnessed our underground hooding ceremonies in our faux sleep clinics? More importantly, do these come in pink, or maybe some other pastel? I don't know, but if this tawdry tell-all has taught me anything (pretty sure that would be a "no") it is just this:

   No matter how absurd the news story, you can always count on an even more hilarious comment in response. For that I am thankful, even if my love of reading them is the the actual reason I am up at all hours, and awake every morning viciously exhausted. Good thing my Onion Hat also hides undereye bags.