Casting "50 Shades of Periwinkle," or Whatever

 

 According to dubious news sources that I frequently watch, when nobody else is watching ME, a shakeup registering on the Richter scale has left Hollywood shocked. I have never been to Hollywood, but I have ascertained that it is difficult to shock it, except by regularly wearing underwear. With clothing over it. It would find my customary apparel simply obscene.

   So naturally, I assume that all the hubbub lately is due to a real crisis. From what little I can understand without doing any inconvenient research, it involves a book written by E.L.Fudge. No, I believe it was actually E.B. White... no, that was the one who penned "Charlotte's Web," which I am certain is not the work at the epicenter of this disaster. No matter. I'm sure the Keebler Elves and Wilbur the Pig are just thrilled to have all the collateral negative publicity.

   Apparently, somebody wishes to adapt the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" into one of those "talkie" moving pictures. They cast a guy who works with Peg Bundy (who we all know is Christina Applegate's mom) as well as the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, or "Working Girl" and "That Guy From Miami Vice Always Wearing the Pastel Suits That Are Never Buttoned." In full disclosure, I have never even seen most of these shows or read this book, but again research (and accuracy) is not really my thing.

Possible "50 Shades" Location?

   Now, the guy who was supposed to play the lead movie guy, has dropped the role. I would have to guess that it was due to his lack of experience as a cattle rancher, as I hear that whips and chains were involved and that sounds like ranching to me. It doesn't sound particularly romantic, because ranches seem kind of dusty and cows are smelly, but what do I know of fine cinema? Or, maybe he was supposed to be a jockey, which does sound more exciting because they wear those cute silk outfits and little caps... 

   Anyway, I just want you all to know that I am deeply concerned about this debacle, and hope that it is remedied very quickly, and that I am totally making that up. In the meantime, I am coming up with some recasting suggestions of my own. I have to say that I think Will Ferrell or Seth Rogen would make excellently sensual leading men, maybe paired with Dame Judi Dench or Helen Mirren. This film is supposed to be cutting edge, and I would like to see them put their casting salary allotments where their mouths are.

See some other weird casting decisions...