I Got Lost on My Way to the Kitchen

Because REAL pumpkins are a  (gasp) vegetable...

   Book reviews! I added book reviews! See? Although my opinions may have no true merit, or even any basis in logic, I absolutely love to dole them out anyway. And, writing them inspired me to dust off my old copy of Jane Eyre, because I have not read it in so long I could not remember the ending, or even if I actually read the ending. Now, where is my contraband stash of Cliff Notes...

   Now back to other, equally life-altering advice: What to do this season, to ensure that you suck every last drop of blood out of Autumn's veins of entertainment. (Obviously, my recent foray into the classics has not improved my writing one iota. It's comforting to know that some things never change.)

   Because the days preceding Halloween are a time for enjoying thrills, dread, and downright terror, I thought I would talk about another scary Fall destination. Namely, The Kitchen. It is a place containing the literal recipes for disaster, and I generally avoid it until this time of year, when our family has a slew of holiday traditions requiring me to be there.

Sometimes we have a smidge of cookie with our sprinkles.

    It begins with our annual Halloween cookie decorating. This involves me grudgingly attempting to follow a recipe which cannot be thrown haphazardly into my beloved crockpot. I use the term "follow" loosely, as at the very least I refuse to add eggs to any dough, because we all know eggs are chock full of Salmonella. If you look closely, you can actually see them swimming around in the dough, just waiting gleefully to rush into your germ hotel of a body and take over and run up and down your artery halls and jump on your platelet beds.

    So... no eggs. But, cutting this safe and sterile dough into fun Halloweeny shapes is actually quite fun. However, it is not nearly as fun as decorating them with as many candy accessories as can possibly be squeezed on top. I think my kids actually consult architects and build foundations, so as to fit more kinds of sugary delights on their creations without compromising their structural integrity. In fact, they seem to defy the laws of physics. The children themselves also seem to defy these same laws after eating this toxic amount of sucrose, and it can be difficult to pry them off the ceiling to eat their dinner, which I forgot to feed them before I gave them their cookies. This is usually a good time for bed.

  I have tried multiple recipes, with varying success, but one highly rated by other bakers was this  version of Martha Stewart‎. I am hoping you will all try it and send me some to sample, so that I may make my own informed decision without having to touch the eggs.

P.S. I discovered this fun page that describes other fun culinary creations that I will never make:

Post by Food art.

Just looking at all the designs reaffirms what I already knew: Real baking requires energy, which I need to save so I can eat the stuff other people bake.