How to Enjoy Fall Activities Not Involving Eggnog

   Autumn officially begins when eggnog appears in the stores, and it has arrived. All 3,573,583 calories of it. (Those are the calories in Autumn. Eggnog obviously contains far more.)

     Out of respect for tradition, the first sip should be taken in front of a crackling fire. This is a bit of a nuisance if the nog pops up in the supermarket when the outside temperature is still 90 degrees. Fortunately, Mother Nature cooperated on this year's September 24, which apparently is "National Time to Start Gaining Holiday Weight Due to Consumption of Creamed Beverages" Day, or NTSGHWDCCB Day for short.

   Side note: I am thrilled that "clip art" actually provides an eggnog picture. My carton was already in the trash.

    I did not even wait until I had started the fire, and drank it from the bottle while wearing my husband's bathrobe and standing in front of my open refrigerator. I'm not superstitious, but even I know that such disregard for the propriety of the Genesis de Eggnog is sure to bring 100 days of sour nog. Actually, that assumption has some scientific support. Drinking from the bottle introduces bacteria into it that would certainly lead it to go bad, if it only had the chance before I inhaled the whole carton in five minutes. I wonder if they manufacture it in IV form.

Piccadilly Peddler crafts.

   Anyway, Fall is upon us. Since it is absolutely my favorite season, even better than curling season, when those people with brooms sweep ice to somehow race coffeepots on it, I consider myself an expert on Fall fun. So, for the next few posts, I am going to be carefully advising you on the optimal way to experience what every insane person knows is the best time of year.  

 1) Haunted Houses

 
   I realize this is an obvious first tip, but I am concerned that some of you have not been adhering to this important ritual. Travel Channel has a great list, and I don't want to say anything against you Californians, Pennsylvanians, and Texans, but all the top ones are from your states, so you are apparently quite deranged. (I am from California, and some of my best friends are from Texas and Pennsylvania. Enough said.) For those of us unlucky enough to reside elsewhere, see a  list by state. These are some of my favorite ways to terrify myself, which for somebody with panic disorder seems very unwise, but I am not going to let that stop me. If you absolutely cannot make it to one, at least look at pictures of other people doing it. 

   Look at the Post by Anguish Asylum Haunted House in Provo, Utah. I can't wait to see this one at my local mall. After all, what could be scarier than overpriced apparel, if not a crazy person wearing garish makeup chasing you, with foam coming out of her mouth? And, that's just what I look like at the mall on a normal day.