Cooking Tips (From a Woman Whose Oven Is on Fire)

Equal Parts Yogurt/Ice Cream/Whipped Cream.
Artfully arrange cheap frozen fruit. 
Voila, lazy foodies!

   According to Robert L. Barker, seven million Americans visit psychotherapists annually, paying them a combined two billion dollars to be told that people cannot eat their way to happiness. Surely, this fact is common knowledge. Happiness obviously results from more than mere food binges... but they are a good place to start. And to stay for a while. Maybe indefinitely.

   Of course, a balanced diet is actually a great boon to any person's mood. But, a spoonful of butter helps the broccoli go down, no? And, if I am attempting to ingest a truly putrid vegetable, such as a beet, I might need to just envelope it in a nutritionally bankrupt casing. Maybe I could stuff it into a Pop-Tart. 


   Unfortunately, because I am afraid of my kitchen (actual fact, but a story for another day) and detest cooking, I find it problematic to transform healthful food into tasty fare. No living things, except Lucy the Dog and those blowflies that feed on decomposing waste, will consume my culinary masterpieces. And, Lucy's eagerness to devour those offerings is not exactly a meaningful compliment. She also eats crayons.

   In a show of bravery, I sometimes make a pitiful attempt to feed my family in a manner suitable to humans. I rarely succeed. I have caught my stove on fire so many times that when my son mentioned that it was once again burning, I barely reacted. "No, REALLY" the poor kid had to insist, before I finally turned around to see it in unusually large flames, even by my standards.

This is pizza. I did not make it. Surprised? No?

   I clearly recall our family catching our Thanksgiving turkey on fire many years ago, when I was very young, so one might assume this tendency has a genetic component. Like my desperate son, I could not get anyone to listen to me, so I understand his frustration. I ran into the living room yelling for help, and was completely baffled as to why my grandmother failed to react. (In her defense, it turned out that her hearing aids were off.)

    So, realizing that I am clearly an expert in the area of indestructible health food, I thought I would give just a few tips to help my fellow depressed, lazy, abominable cooks. I have been schooled in the home of my saintly mother, who managed to feed eight children in such a way that we could have been used as the model for the food pyramid. Growing up, we thought sweetened breakfast cereal was an urban myth. I scoffed at the notion of "white" bread like other children laughed off the existence of Santa Clause. While these are obviously exaggerations, my mom really did not do "kreemy-processed-cheez-ish-product" in our house. So, I picked up a few ideas, and have invented one or two of my own.

Tip 1: Even with my nearly-fatal sweet tooth, I love plain yogurt with only juice concentrate to sweeten it. It makes great smoothies with unsweetened, frozen fruit. And, yogurt is the best base for frozen desserts in the whole history of sub-freezing temperatures (which we know from Geologists have been around for a while.) Freeze it plain, or mix it with whipped or ice cream, both proud members of the illustrious dairy group. Pour it into popsicle makers, which I purchase at the dollar store (because really is there anywhere else to shop?)

Yogurt Pops. I added the yogurt, all by myself.

Tip 2: Puree, puree, puree. For example, in my youth, I grew accustomed to mysterious green specks in our refried beans. It turned out that my mother was putting broccoli into the blender and adding it to other food. I have tried this with spinach, in treats like brownies. (My only warning is to eat these concoctions immediately, because judging by the smell, veggies apparently morph into dead skunks when left out for more than a nanosecond.)

Tip 3: Creative food companies have seemingly engineered a futuristic type of wheat. Whole wheat bread does not taste like it used to. For many people, this is a fabulous improvement.  They were not raised in my house, eating grains which had been freshly ground right before eating, and so they do not appreciate wheat that bears such a resemblance to dirt. Personally, I love it, but then I also willingly drink powdered milk.

Tip 4: Do not rely on any more tips of mine to help you eat well. That is why somebody invented food blogs and Pinterest. Check out some ideas from my friend, the healthy foodie:

Post by Natural Sweet Recipes.