Hey, Mom and Dad! Got Guilt?

Stressing over his first I.Q. test...

Despite my obvious expertise in child rearing (I usually remember all three kids’ names! Two out of the three at least!) my children are, inexplicably, “regular” children. They were not potty trained at five weeks, able to read at five months, or steadily employed at five years. Where did I go wrong? More importantly, can I get a refund on those “Guaranteed Steps to Raising an Infant Genius” seminars?

Here is the truth: My first child could competently operate a computer at the age of two. (He still has to help me with my online university homework.) My second child can play circles around me on the piano. My third child could speak in complete sentences at the age when many infants are using their mouths primarily for chewing on dirty socks.

Here is the rest of the truth: All of my children are also bad at… well… a lot of stuff, really. They were in the Oral Stage when Freud clearly stated they should have been comfortably entrenched in the Anal Stage. They stubbornly refused to enjoy Shakespeare, instead preferring inane cartoon rubbish. Most disturbingly, they tried to mix clashing prints when dressing themselves, blatantly ignoring rules of both color and fashion theory.

Finally, here is a little MORE truth, for good measure: They are all exactly who and how they are supposed to be.

So, your kid was discovered to be reciting the alphabet when you held the fetal Doppler up to your pregnant belly? Well, mine was sucking his thumbs like a little Neanderthal. Reading Shakespeare may be YOUR toddler’s forte, but mine excelled more in the mud arts.

I recently spotted an interesting New York Times article that discusses the drawbacks of our unrealistic expectations for our offspring. Naturally, I read it out of concern for the well-being of others, as I myself have mastered all parenting skills during my illustrious mommy tenure. I have only the most realistic expectations for my children’s futures as Presidents of the United States. (They will each only be able to serve one term, in order to give the others ample time to successfully mount campaigns.)

What did I glean from this article? That we should let our amazing children just BE. They are beautifully unique and come out of the womb equipped with the talents, challenges, and eccentricities they need, thank you very much. All they need from us is a permission slip to find out what those are and a little help in harnessing them. So, BACK OFF!

This revelation really came as a relief to me. As much as I appreciate the pursuit of excellence, I must admit that all the Shakespeare was giving me a migraine.