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| This is an actual picture of Utah. It was taken at a Gardner Village shop. In Utah. That counts. |
In an effort to undo the damage I have done to our tourism industry, I am going to sell you on some of the adventuresome aspects of my "dangerously radical" state. I don't know why I put those words in quotation marks, as nobody has ever used them to describe Utah, but somebody could, someday. Sometimes the crowds at Costco get downright unruly, and security has to chemically suffocate them with bulk laundry softener sheets. It's only a matter of time before you start seeing us on the national news, for insane homemakers rioting in the bulk Jell-O aisle. We get our crazy on, one leg at a time, just like anyone else.
I have done some in-depth research to convince you just how nutty we can get, here in these parts. By "in-depth," I mean I Googled "Utah" and took notes on the first page I saw.
Utah, Utah, Utah. WHO is in charge of your Search Engine Optimization? The first website listed was for the DMV. I enjoy standing in front of a 1980's-quality camera and posing for unflattering mugshots as much as anyone. Nevertheless, you must consider that this site is devoted to charging residents unseemly amounts to have their vehicles inspected and insulted by capitalizing mechanics. This may not work exceptionally well as bait to capture and residentialize a tourist, unless that tourist is a capitalizing mechanic. (Spell Checker informs me that "residentialize" is not an actual word, but I am going to leave it in there, anyway. That is the kind of rebels we are, here in Utah.)
The last time my license was due for renewal, I skipped grooming entirely and threw on a cute hat. They made me take it off for my picture. Tragically, I am shackled to this photo for the next ten years. I think I heard the employees laughing sadistically as they sent me out the door, clutching my card of shame. Nobody will come here if this is the sort of hospitality we offer them.
Not wanting to throw the DMV under the bus, so to speak, even though that would be the most brilliantly ironic pun in the history of the DMV, I gave their site a fair chance, in the hopes that it would redeem itself. This is the first representation of my fair state Googlers are going to see, and I desperately wanted it to stink less than it had thus far.
It did not disappoint, thank goodness. First, they proved me wrong about their lack of expertise in the punning arts. The introduction encouraged readers to get "pointed in the right direction" and offered a navigation tab. Okay, I guess the navigation section was not intended as a pun, but I found it entertaining nonetheless. (We are easily amused, here in Utah. We get a hearty laugh out of pretty much anything.)
The icing on the cyber cake was the section entitled "Pubs." Even as a devoted Mormon, I found this brilliant. Of course! What better place to feature a pub than the DMV? Can you imagine how much more amicable patrons would be as they paid their outrageous fees and took their hideous pictures, if they had been drinking cocktails the whole three hours they spent in line? I quickly discovered, however, that "Pubs" was actually short for the word "publications," and we do not in fact have bars in our DMV's. We are not the rebels I thought we were. Sometimes the vending machines do offer caffeinated beverages, however. This is actually unfortunate, because it keeps you awake for those three hours spent in line.
In conclusion, even though I have not in fact concluded anything or even made a single comment worth the effort to type it, I wish to plead with you all not to let me or our terrible advertising prevent you from coming to Utah. It is genuinely a joy to live here, and no matter how much I make fun of our (many) quirks, you could not persuade me to leave this state for anywhere else, even a place with a pub in their DMV. I am Mormon, after all. What would I even DO in a pub?
