I am here to make you all feel better about yourselves. It is for this altruistic reason that I confess, with only slight hesitation but a healthy dose of shame, that I am watching entertainment news and reading a very low-quality celebrity magazine as I write this. Truthfully, that is a slight exaggeration. Such triple-tasking would contain two more tasks than I could juggle. But, I can see both TV and magazine out of the corner of my eye, and as soon as I put the last period on this piece, I am diving in with gusto.
"Why," you might be wondering, "would anyone waste a moment of their time on such drivel? Don't you have kids and pets who need dinner? Aren't weeds devouring your garden? Doesn't your carpet need cleaned? Because it smells." I agree. That is why I am telling you this. I am hoping one (and preferably more) of you will feel sorry for my kids, pets, plants, and much-abused carpeting, and take care of them. I NEED to see/read quarter-truths about celebrities, because it is completely unimportant. These magazines use small words, and very few of them. It is completely devoid of challenge. Result: It does not make me anxious.
And so I am reveling in stories that will NEVER result in a panic attack. At least for me. I suppose some people do take their media icons very seriously, but these people are fifteen years old and are not reading this blog. They are at a Justin Beiber concert. So, I do not think I risk upsetting them.
Here are a few things about which we will never have to worry:
1) The Kardashians running out of "K" words to use in their brands. To misuse a sweet Carpenters quote, they have "only just begun," with "Kardashian Kollection," "Khroma," etc. According to kgbanswers.com, there are 171,476 "K" words in the English dictionary. It also points out that more words pop up all the time. I assume 99% of them are kreated by Kardashians. (I'm sorry. The "K" has bewitched me.)
2) Kardashian krud failing to sell. (I am not implying their products are of poor quality. It's just... the "K" thing again.) Check out forbes.com/profile/kim-kardashian/. Kim alone has brought in $10 million so far this year. You can relax.
3) Kim getting together with anyone whose name refuses to start with a "K." She went from Kris to Kanye, after foolishly dating a string of men whose names were obviously not suitable to a Kardashian. She has learned her lesson.
4) Any more Kardashian trivia on this post.
5) The "Real Housewives" franchise depleting their supply of cities, in which to film unreal people. They have 25,375 U.S. cities from which to choose (2000 U.S.Census), any of which would surely be thrilled to offer up a citizen willing to flip over a table, for a small fortune. After they blow through U.S. towns, they can extend their kingdom to other lands. Manifest Destiny of Reality Television.
6) Teen pop sensations ever going (permanently) out of style. If people are still spotting Elvis at the supermarket buying cheese (which I am willing to bet SOMEBODY has claimed) surely Justin Beiber will be seen with him, a century from now. Then maybe his fans will show my blog some respect.
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