I held quite a few normal jobs back in my heyday as a "house leaver." Despite being anxious /depressed /kinda all-around fruitcakey, I was still able to drive myself merrily about in my broken-down cars. When they broke down beyond my ability to push them out of the driveway, I took the bus to work. I walked to the bus stop at 5:30 AM, alone. Frankly, that was just stupid, but the fact that I managed to do it without dying of anxiety (causing me to miss my scheduled shift and be fired) is a badge of courage, pinned on my memory. Enjoy the imagery that suddenly appeared in my mind, of a medal stuck on my brain, while I go on.
Driving always provoked some fear, and in fact my parents had to blackmail me into getting a driver's license. I do not recall what the alternative punishment was, but it must have been simply horrendous, possibly involving forced airplane rides, or even a turn on the Ferris Wheel. My parents loved me dearly, and they felt that my life might be more fulfilling if I left my bedroom. I have since discovered they were completely wrong, but I appreciate the effort. I have learned that I can support myself quite well while reclining on my sofa. (Well, my paycheck isn't quite enough to purchase real furniture, but I could work from my second-hand lawn chair if I no longer had my husband's income. Thank goodness he is not agoraphobic.) Let's review the fascinating history of how I became a total recluse, and see why being homebound is totally fine. Maybe not totally fine. But bearable.
The more worrisome driving problem began one peaceful day, on my way to a therapy appointment. (You may find it difficult to believe, but some loved ones felt I could use some some counseling.) Driving along the freeway, my heart began racing, I experienced tunnel vision, and I reacted in the most logical way that came to my malfunctioning brain. I just stopped driving. While I was on the freeway. I did pull into the narrow triangle between the main freeway and an on-ramp, but that left me in quite a predicament. Cars were now whizzing past me on both sides, and if you are claustrophobic, you do not want to be trapped in between two lanes of speeding cars. (This is Utah. I assure you, they were all speeding.) I called my poor husband in a panic and told me he simply had to come get me. I am not sure how I expected him to do this, as he could not exactly stop where I had stopped, but obviously if he really loved me, he would have offered to charter a helicopter. He never volunteered to do so, and I eventually managed to drive until the next exit.
After this amusing little episode, I was a little concerned about my ability to safely get myself to work each day. To make a long story short, now that you are already watching TV and no longer reading my eloquent ramblings, the problem eventually became so severe that I could not drive much, and some days not an inch. I applied for a job closer to home, and actually made it a few miles in the direction of my interview before I had to stop. When at last I accepted a postion very near my home, teaching a program at an elementary school, I had panic attacks so severe I could barely speak. (This made for some short lessons.) At one point, I found myself UNDER A TABLE, crying. Yes, this actually happened. I pretended I was looking for something.
At the peak (or the valley, depending on how you wish to view it) of my paranoia, I climbed into the driver's seat to go a few blocks away, and I suddenly had the strange sensation that my arms were no longer connected to my body. This makes it difficult to drive. Just TRY driving with someone else's arms. It is very awkward. That was the end of mobility for a long time.
Get ready for a genuinely useful piece of advice, because it is coming from people who know what they are talking about and not from the author of this terrible blog. I finally went to the LDS (Mormon speak for ...well... Mormon) employment office, and they referred me to RatRaceRebellion, a site that helps weed out work-at-home scams and gives resources to find good offers. I have since realized that all over the internet, one can find reviews of work-at-home opportunities. Look at sites from publications such as Time and U.S. News, and check out guests on reputable news shows and their online pages. JetBlue and 1-800-Contacts are options friends of mine have successfully used. (These were friends who did not mind talking on the phone to people they did not know. I do, but that is a story for another post. I've embarrassed myself enough for one day.)
Anther major dilemma that arises for people in my situation is that in order to be eligible for much of the best work, we have to advance our education. I absolutely love school. It actually helps me stay sane, or at least something resembling that blissful state. I had given up the idea of continuing, in large part because I could no longer physically attend my university, because it was not in my bedroom. This was very foolish of me, because it turns out that many universities ARE in my bedroom, minus the snarky professors and scary bathrooms. (I'm a little germaphobic, OK?) U.S. News has the most comprehensive list I have ever seen of universities with online programs, including their tuition numbers and a wealth of other information and rankings. Go back to school!
Agoraphobic people, we were born at the optimal time in history to be suffering from this little problem. I do make an effort to regularly leave home, and even force myself to (gasp!) drive. I strongly suggest you do the same. I am amazed and grateful, however, to be discovering all the adventures I can undertake again without experiencing constant anxiety. I am going to provide some useful links to help with education and employment. Use them. When your online degree is complete, and your new online paycheck is automatically deposited, you can use it to buy some microwave popcorn over the internet, and enjoy some streaming movies. Good times for the reclusive. Good times.
Some resources:
http://www.usnews.com/education/online-education
http://www.ratracerebellion.com/
http://business.time.com/2013/05/21/the-7000-computer-science-degree-and-the-future-of-higher-education/
http://business.time.com/2011/10/18/how-to-work-at-home-4-ways-to-convince-your-boss/
http://business.time.com/2008/01/16/nothin_virtual_about_working_f/
No comments:
Post a Comment