There, their, they're. Don't be afraid of a little dangling participle.

Prepping for Med School

   The disappearance of a blog about nothing can easily go unnoticed. Therefore, I feel no need to make a fussy announcement that I have returned, since I am ending an absence that you may not have realized existed.

   Question: Can an absence really exist? Isn't an absence, by nature, non-existent? More importantly, did you notice that I completed a record two lines before straying from the topic? Writing a blog is like riding a bike. Once you learn to be really bad at it, you never forget.

 
   Anyway, here I am. I myself would not even have noticed that I have been gone. I have been far too busy with school to realize I haven't seen me lately. Not that I was actually attending school, because that would have been uncharacteristically productive. I have instead been so overwhelmed making decisions regarding universities, programs, school bumper sticker options, etc., that I have neglected everyone I know, not to mention even the most basic personal hygiene. 

   

   Thankfully, I have finally made my decision. In fact, I have made it several hundred times in the last week alone, confidently announcing repeatedly that now I know (really for sure this time not like last time when I only SAID I was sure) what I want to be when I grow up. Sound familiar, college freshmen? Well, let me give you a tip: Make up your mind before you are dead. Because it's hard to fill out college major applications then.

   So, I bravely decided on an Interdisciplinary Studies major. The degree that proudly proclaims to prospective employers, "I cannot make a decision to save my life. I spent two hours picking earrings for this interview. Please hire me so I will not continue to be a wart on the forefinger of society. Or should I say the thumb? I can't really decide which metaphor would be more fitting..."

Please Launder Phone After Dropping It in Toilet.

  Once upon a time, I was a janitor at my University. Free tuition! Free health insurance! Free Hepatitis shots, as a "high-risk" employee in contact with bodily fluids! (Wait... huh?!) Free cell phone disposal!

   One day, while engaged in my highly-skilled labor as a potty cleaning engineering specialist, I leaned over and watched helplessly as my new cell phone slipped into the toilet. Having received those free Hepatitis shots, I was perfectly willing to simply retrieve it. The 5-second rule applies in the bathroom as well as anywhere else. Alas, my phone was offended by my mistreatment and refused to function ever again. Or, maybe it died of a broken heart.

   Cell phones were considered cutting-edge back in those pioneer times. In reality, we were barely one technological step above two tin cans and a string. Not even tin cans. It was before tin. We used hollowed-out rocks.

   They have come so far. No longer must politicians, rock stars, or anybody who wishes to behave like them, send compromising pictures of themselves through Pony Express mail. Never again will I have to carry my Buick-sized computer to the park if I wish to type my Political Science opinion term papers in the sunshine. We can perform these activities on a teeny-tiny TELEPHONE, for Pete's sake. I wouldn't recommend sending out that politically-charged essay, however. That kind of thing can go viral and destroy your reputation and career.

Casting "50 Shades of Periwinkle," or Whatever

 

 According to dubious news sources that I frequently watch, when nobody else is watching ME, a shakeup registering on the Richter scale has left Hollywood shocked. I have never been to Hollywood, but I have ascertained that it is difficult to shock it, except by regularly wearing underwear. With clothing over it. It would find my customary apparel simply obscene.

   So naturally, I assume that all the hubbub lately is due to a real crisis. From what little I can understand without doing any inconvenient research, it involves a book written by E.L.Fudge. No, I believe it was actually E.B. White... no, that was the one who penned "Charlotte's Web," which I am certain is not the work at the epicenter of this disaster. No matter. I'm sure the Keebler Elves and Wilbur the Pig are just thrilled to have all the collateral negative publicity.

   Apparently, somebody wishes to adapt the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" into one of those "talkie" moving pictures. They cast a guy who works with Peg Bundy (who we all know is Christina Applegate's mom) as well as the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, or "Working Girl" and "That Guy From Miami Vice Always Wearing the Pastel Suits That Are Never Buttoned." In full disclosure, I have never even seen most of these shows or read this book, but again research (and accuracy) is not really my thing.